Talking to someone you care about who has an addiction can be difficult, especially when they don’t think they have a problem. You might notice that their drinking or drug use affects their health, relationships or responsibilities. But every time you try to talk to them about it, they deny it, get mad, or brush you off.
This situation is more common than many people realize. Denial is a big part of addiction, which often acts as a psychological shield that keeps the person from facing the truth about their substance use.
While you can’t make someone admit they have a problem, the way you approach the conversation with them can make a big difference in how they respond to your concerns. Coming to the conversation with empathy, clear communication and healthy boundaries can help prevent defensiveness and increase the likelihood that they will be open to change.
Why Denial Happens
Addiction denial is more than just being stubborn. Sometimes, it’s part of how substance use disorders work psychologically and neurologically.
Substances affect parts of the brain that control decision-making, self-awareness, and how we process rewards. Over time, when someone uses substances, it can be more difficult to realize how big their problem is.
Denial can also be used to help emotionally cope with things like:
- Protecting their self-esteem, as admitting their addiction can bring feelings of shame or fear
- Avoiding consequences, because admitting the problem could mean they face possible job loss, problems in relationships or even legal issues
- Feeling like they aren’t “that bad” compared to others around them, or the stereotypes of addiction, which leads them to minimize their use
- Fear of change, because living without substances may feel overwhelming
Due to the protective nature of denial, confronting or accusing someone can unintentionally strengthen their denial. When people feel attacked, they tend to just get defensive instead of reflecting on their actions and behaviors.
Learning more about denial and addiction can help you better approach conversations with more patience and strategy, rather than getting frustrated.
What to Say (and What Not to Say)
When talking to someone about addiction, the goal isn’t to “win” the argument, but to communicate your concern and create a safe space to process and reflect. Certain approaches tend to be more effective than others, and you will want to avoid some approaches.
Helpful Approaches
Using “I” statements instead of “you” can help reduce a defensive response and keep focus on your concern instead of blaming.
Some examples include:
- “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed stressed lately, and I’m worried about how much you’ve been drinking.”
- “I care about you, and I’m concerned about how substances could be affecting your health.”
- “I’m here to support you if you ever want help.”
It can also help:
- Choose a calm, private time to talk.
- Focus on specific behaviors or observations, not labels.
- Listen without interrupting or arguing.
- Express your concern, rather than judgment.
What to Avoid
Certain statements can make people more defensive and potentially end the conversation. Things to avoid include:
- Accusations like “You’re an addict.”
- Moral judgments, such as “Why can’t you just stop?”
- Lectures or long lists of complaints
- Bringing up the addiction during an argument
- Threats or ultimatums you aren’t ready to follow through on
If the conversation gets heated, it’s okay to take a break and return to it later when you are both calmer. The goal is to stay connected with them, not drive them away.
Setting Boundaries Without Ultimatums
One of the hardest parts of helping someone with an addiction is balancing compassion for them and protecting yourself along the way.
You can care deeply about someone, but also recognize that their substance use might be impacting you and your well-being. Setting boundaries can help you take care of yourself without having to give ultimatums.
Healthy boundaries might include:
- Refusing to give them money for their substance use
- Not lying to cover up for them
- Leaving unsafe situations involving substance use
- Limiting your contact with them when their behavior becomes harmful
The main difference between boundaries and ultimatums is that boundaries are about what you do, not trying to control someone else’s actions or behaviors.
For example, instead of saying, “You have to stop drinking, or I’m leaving.” You could say instead: “I care about you, but I can’t be around when alcohol is causing you harm. I’ll need to take some time away if it continues.”
Boundaries are not punishments. There are ways to keep relationships impacted by addiction safe and clear to those involved.
When to Consider an Intervention
When repeated conversations don’t lead to meaningful change, families and loved ones may consider a structured intervention.
An intervention is a planned meeting where friends and family meet with a professional interventionist or addiction specialist who leads the conversation. At this meeting, everyone expresses their concerns about the substance use of a loved one, to encourage that person to seek treatment.
Interventions can be helpful when:
- Substance use is escalating or becoming more dangerous.
- The person you care about is repeatedly denying that there is a problem with their substance use.
- The previous attempts you made to talk about their use have not worked.
- They have made previous failed attempts at treatment.
- Their health, safety or livelihood is at risk.
With some guidance, interventions can show people how their actions are affecting others and may lead them to consider getting treatment.
Before planning an intervention, it’s best to consult with a treatment provider or intervention specialist. Without adequate preparation, the intervention could become confrontational and emotionally overwhelming.
Getting Support for Yourself
Attention is often focused on the person struggling with substance use, but it is equally important for family members and loved ones to have support.
Loving someone through their addiction can be emotionally draining and exhausting. It is very normal for you to feel worried, mad, sad, guilty or even helpless. Having support can help you communicate better, learn healthier coping strategies and reduce the sense of isolation many family and loved one’s experience.
Some helpful resources for you may include:
- Individual or family counseling
- Support groups such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon
- Educational resources about addiction
- Peer communities for families impacted by substance use
Taking care of your mental and emotional well-being is essential, especially because addiction is such a complex condition and recovery can involve multiple attempts and setbacks.
Talk About Addiction: FAQs
What If They Get Angry or Defensive?
People often get angry and defensive when confronted about their substance use. If this happens, try to stay calm and avoid escalating the argument.
Pausing the conversation and revisiting it later may help, as well as reassuring the person that your concern comes from care, not judgment.
Should I Threaten Consequences?
Threats can increase resistance, and if you are going to issue an ultimatum, you need to make sure you can follow through with it.
Instead, try to focus on communicating clear boundaries and protecting your own well-being. Boundaries work best when they are practical and consistently kept.
When is an Intervention Necessary?
If their substance use is causing serious problems, and they won’t admit it, an intervention might be necessary. If you are thinking about this option, consult with an addiction professional or intervention specialist prior.
Can I Force Someone Into Treatment?
In most cases, unless there are specific legal circumstances involved, like a court order, adults can’t be forced into addiction treatment.
While this can be frustrating, people eventually seek help after repeated conversations and increased awareness of how their addiction affects their lives.